All hail the valiant Sir SloMo!

Posted: July 26, 2020 in Ranting
Tags: , , , ,

Once upon a time we could rely on things like national newspapers to at least pretend to be impartial. These days that is pretty hard to find.

Take today’s Sunday Telegraph for example. Alas, it was the only paper left at the shop when I went for a constitutional. And the front page shouted ‘ScoMo saved my life. ‘Leftie’ found bleeding on beach thanks PM, bodyguard for rescue.’

Clearly the important part, or least what the Shit Times would like at least some of us to think, is that SloMo saved the person despite being a dreaded Leftie. What a man! What a hero!!

public domain graphic from

‘We must save her!’

‘But, Prime Minister, she is clearly a Leftie. You can tell by her style of clothes, her lack of hygiene and the fact she is screaming “I am a Socialist!”’

SloMo paused, posing heroically, a frown creasing his normally unlined brow.

‘No, my dear Security companion. There is still hope she may be brought to the True Cause of the Liberal Party. Never let it be said I turned away from a potential voter.’

His white Nikes flashing like polished hooves of a favoured warhorse, the valiant SloMo lead his men in a screaming charge, their vorpal blades slashing their way through the horde of undead, brain-eating Socialists who had faithlessly turned on one of their own.

With his blade dripping his enemies’ extra-red blood, Sir SloMo carved his way to the threatened woman’s side.

 ‘Fear not, fair maiden, for I, Sir SloMo, Grand Knight of Prickly Things, Conqueror of Cook, and a few other things I can’t remember just now, I am here to save you, despite being my political foe.’

 He swept the fair maiden into his arms, and with his faithful band clustered around him, they retraced their steps, fighting off a fresh wave of Zombie Socialists. All the while, said maiden bravely singing The Internationale, Sir SloMo swept her Labor-infested mind and body away to undeserved safety.

All hail to Sir SloMo!

The real story, or course, would not even be worthy of mentioning by the Shit Times if it were you or me helping someone after they had a bad fall. Helping each other – isn’t that what humans are supposed to? Surely not helping would lambasted as ‘UnAustralian’ (I hate that ingratiating title)? Or worse, condemned as not part of the ‘Anzac Spirit’. But actually, doing something – that would be ignored. Or at best, a couple of lines on page 37 beneath advertisements for home-visiting prostitutes.

Then there is SloMo. He has done something. Therefore, that is not just news or News, it is NEWS! And no newspaper bod, worthy of the title of Murdoch Hack, would miss a chance to press forward on how wonderful SloMo is. Never mind that any decent human being would help. Let alone a Pentecostal Christian, as we all well know SloMo is after he brought the cameras into his church service during his election campaign, next to his pew to take shots of him, hand aloft, being a Christian, following the path of his Lord. Such a dedicated Christian would surely have leapt at the opportunity to follow his Lord’s teachings. Helping thy neighbour. Being the Good Samaritan.

No. The reality of course is that the Shit Times wants us to see SloMo as so much better than any alternative. As if he could somehow identify at a glance that the accident victim was of the Left persuasion and not worthy of his grand attention, but he saved her anyway.

The unwritten implication is also that the Vile Albo would have also had a mystical instant insight into the political persuasions of any accident victim, spitting on one that voted Blue and walking away. After emptying their pockets.

In truth, unless he really is a complete narcissist, I suspect Scott Morrison cringed a bit at the way the Shit Times described him.

How can any newspaper call itself that i.e. ‘news’ when it does not so much report as it creates or makes stories? And all in the pursuit of glorifying Saint SloMo.

Bloody pathetic.

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